Venial Sin

No chocolate cake in the world, even that used by US soldiers to humiliate Iraqis, should be so stale that you can use it to either file your nails, or break through prison cell bars. No coffee ever produced, especially not one that claims to be “fresh-roasted” and “smooth”, should taste so foul and bitter (it wasn’t roasted, it was fucking flambéd) that any human being with taste buds would chew a cigarette whole, including the fiberglass tip, just to [...]

Last night, some crummy excuse for a human being managed to sneak into my house while the guard was “resting his eyes”, and proceeded to break into the cars and steal anything of any worth from inside them, rendering my baby some serious damage (the cunting asshole broke the front panelling open with a hammer in order to get at the car stereo). Needless to say, I am pissed, my mother has been sedated, my aunt tranquilised, the servants glared [...]

Everyone’s always told me: “You can only write what you know.” So here’s what I know. I know that I’m a 24-year-old gay man, born and raised in Pakistan. I know that I’m a strange hybrid of two worlds, Oriental and Occidental, living in both but belonging to neither. I know that tonight, a man almost died because he stepped out into the middle of the road without seeing that my car was approaching, and had my friend not happened [...]

Obviously, calling the man was a terrible idea. I say that with approximately a week’s perspective, but as near as I can remember, at the time, I thought it was a fabulous notion. After all, he seemed pleasant enough, was reasonably attractive, and ostensibly gave me his mobile number of his own free will. When I called on Sunday afternoon, I’m not quite sure what was going through my head, or if I was just suffering from a temporary attack [...]

How much wood, could a woodchuck chuck, assuming for the purposes of argument that a woodchuck is indeed capable of chucking wood? Here’s the answer: NOT ENOUGH TO COVER UP THE FACT THAT PEOPLE (myself included) CAN BE TOTAL SODS. You see, during the party at which I noticed a certain individual (we’ll call him Slimebucket, shall we?) copying phone numbers out of my cell phone, I was unsure of the best way in which to play off the whole [...]

I went through quite an angst-ridden phase after the party I threw, due in part to two decades of internalised guilt complexes, and in part to just being royally fucked up after spending almost a week reeling around Karachi. I suppose the aim of ‘getting out of my own head’ was achieved to a certain degree, but it was getting back in that turned out to be slightly more difficult. I tore over to the Muna Lisa’s house frantically on [...]

I had a very strange dream last night. As is all too often the case, attempting to recall the details only makes the memories even vaguer. I got back from a party at four this morning, and couldn’t really fall asleep, which of course led to my reaching for the book closest to me. A copy of Diana Wynne Jones’ The Spellcoats turned out to be exactly what I needed. By which I mean that it took me an hour [...]

Unlike most people I know, I’ve always been a fan of Red Bull, that rather odd-tasting-yet-curiously-effective-at-waking-me-up drink in the remarkably tiny can. Many were the nights when, reeling into yet another support beam at any number of gay clubs, all that I needed to regain my equilbrium, self-respect, dignity, and the correct jacket from the coat check, was a can of Red Bull. So I thought until Sunday morning. You see, while the maternal unit was out of the city [...]

There’s nothing better in Karachi’s 120-degree, 99% humidity climate in the summertime, than ice-cream. Unless it’s this: The booze-flavored Illicit Vodka Cranberry Magnum hit the shelves recently, just a few months after those crazy Australians started making alcoholic biscuits (that’s cookies for your Americans), including “Tia Maria Tim Tams” and “Kahlua Slices”. Streets, the manufacturer that makes the Magnums now on sale as part of its “vice-cream” range, claims that the ice-cream contains only vodka flavoring and no alcohol. Pity. [...]

After spending entirely too much time perusing concerned e-mails from friends who have been somewhat perturbed at my recent outpourings of angst, I have decided to address a few concerns. Oh all right, I paraphrased. Friends’ e-mails were more along the lines of: “You stupid sod, will you please just stop being so sad all the time, and just go out there and shag someone, because if you don’t get with someone soon, we can’t live vicariously through you, and [...]